How to Tell Someone You Have Genital Herpes - Herpes Disclosure - aka “The Discussion”

Herpes is often a silent disease.  Especially genital herpes, which can go undetected by both the sufferer and the partner.  Although many people suffer from lesions and ulcerations, others may have only an occasional burning or itching.

Combined with the fact that this disease has a negative impact on both emotional and social behavior of people, how to tell someone you have genital herpes can be a challenge.

Once a sufferer has figured out that the disease isn’t lethal and that people who experience this infection can go on to live normal and happy lives, they find that the hardest thing about the condition is having to tell someone that you have it.

The partner of a person suffering from genital herpes should have the right to make an informed decision.  The consequences of not telling someone that you have an STD includes possibly infecting that person as well as the issue of trust.

Telling someone that you care about that you have genital herpes may be difficult but in the long run it is the best thing for a relationship.  You may worry that if you tell your family or partner they won’t be supportive or will be judgmental or angry.

It’s important to remember that herpes is a common infection that doesn’t carry shame or embarrassment.  And you shouldn’t let someone else make you feel that way.

The more you know about the condition the more confidence you’ll have in discussing it with others.  Many have found that it isn’t necessarily the words or the setting that make the most difference when telling others, but rather how comfortable with their own condition they were.

Some people choose to not tell and abstain from sex during outbreaks.  However this leads to miscommunication when your partner imagines situations far worse than genital herpes when you make excuses to avoid sex.  You create distance in the relationship and then if the partner contracts the condition they’ll be hurt and angry in the first place.

And the longer you put it off the harder it is to have “the discussion”.

Be sure to talk to your partner before having sex rather than afterwards.  You may have come to terms with the condition in your life but your new partner may have different ideas if you introduce this to their lives without their permission.

How to tell someone you have genital herpes should happen in a setting in which you both have privacy and you are comfortable.  In other words this isn’t a discussion for a cocktail party, crowded bar, traveling on a romantic weekend or any other intimate situation.  Instead choose a quiet restaurant, dinner at home or a walk in the park.

The words or the setting may not make the difference in the person’s ultimate decision but having respect for their privacy and your ability to communicate your condition will.

Be confident and natural.  Speak calmly and keep the same body language you always have.  If you normally look at your partner directly in the face then continue to do it.  The more comfortable you are, the more positive your attitude the more positive their initial response is likely to be.

Try to use positive words and not to become overly negative.  Don’t degrade yourself or your past actions.  It isn’t awful, it isn’t lethal, nothing bad happens.

Just as it took some time for you to adjust to the new diagnosis when you first heard you had genital herpes it will take your partner some time to adjust as well.  Some people will over react while others may not show a reaction at all.  The initial reaction isn’t indicative of the final decision.

Don’t ever rush someone into a decision about your condition.  Include information about how this condition has affected your daily life now and how it may or may not affect your relationship.

Some partners will react out of misinformation.  Encourage your partner to talk with someone at a sexual health clinic or provide them with written information that can be read and digested when their emotions aren’t running at full tilt.

Starting this conversation doesn’t have to be awkward.  Try some of these starters to help you engage in conversation about genital herpes:

  • “We’ve been getting along very well and I really enjoy spending time with you.  I believe that we should be honest with each other.  I’d like to talk about our sexual histories”
  • “We are sharing more and more about our lives.  I think it’s important that we talk about sex.  Can we talk now?”
  • “You’ve trusted me with some information about ….  I’d like to share something that is very personal with you…..”

It’s important to remember that by sharing this information with your partner you are demonstrating that you care about him or her and the relationship that is developing.  This can very well bring you closer together and strengthen your bond.

People who experience the occasional genital herpes outbreak find that it is more of a nuisance than a mind altering or life-changing event.  And by sharing that reality with your partner you are more likely to find that their final decision is a positive one.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Related posts